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02:01pm 17/10/2016

Did you really think i would put all of my deepest, darkest thoughts here, in the open? If you want to know them, gotta be friends ;-)

12:40pm 17/10/2016

When did I lose myself? I used to revel in the dark places of my mind, take solace in misery, accepting it as the norm. I was depressed, and content.

Now, depression is a crushing weight. For the first time in my life, I considered how easy it would be to end it all. Not like me. Not at all.

I need to rebuild my old mindset. Rediscover the person I used to be. This suicidal, rage filled creature isn't me.

08:06am 17/10/2016

And the sun rises again. Remember boys and girls, no matter how horrible or terrific you may feel, the sun will always rise, and the world goes on. Life is trivial and meaningless, a journey to nothingness and nonexistence. Wake up, put on the smiling mask, and wither away on the inside. Embrace the dark, the misery that permeates everything, and make your peace with it, because it will be your only constant companion in life

09:25pm 16/10/2016

And there it is. The stone flattened poor Sisyphus on its way back down the hill.

Now comes the time to decide. Try again, keep pushing the fucking thing up the hill in the hopes of reaching the top, or walk away and leave it behind...

Head meet wall   
12:44pm 16/10/2016

Why do i even try? Over and over, I fail, and rediscover the lack of interest.
I'm Sisyphus, with his fucking stone...

03:06pm 14/10/2016

I never used to understand people who committed suicide. It just made no sense to me. I thought they were weak. Selfish. I used to sling platitudes like they actually meant something.
“No matter how bad things get, focus on the good”
“Nothing lasts forever”
“Life is what you make of it”
I was so fucking naive…
I get it now. I really do.

I have parents who love me, and support me. I have a girlfriend who also loves me deeply, and is an excellent partner in life. I have a best friend who cares for me, and lets me rant. I have my son, and all the joy he brings into my life.

And it all means jack shit. And here's why.

Those parents? Yeah, they have problems. My dad is dying. And not just the usual, getting older, aging type of dying. No, it's the rapid, some time in the next year, I can practically see the difference every time I visit, dying…it's hard as hell on my mom, so I'm there for her when she needs me, and I don't dump my problems on either of them.

My girlfriend isn't just devoted to me. She's dependent on me. I care for her, but I don't love her. And it would break her, completely crush her spirit, if she ever found out. And her daughters, who look on me as a kind of stand in father figure. The one even gave me a cool handmade Father's Day card. So there's another straw in the load.

My best friend? I love her. And not in a small way. I love her completely, for all that she is, faults included. And I stand absolutely no chance with her. She knows how I feel, and she just doesn't feel the same. Not her fault, but it's frustrating as hell. Some days I hate her for it. More often I hate myself, because no matter what she does, or how I feel about the situation, I still love her, and want her, with a passion that sometimes scares me. And no matter how shitty things get for me, I will always be there for her.

My son. The center of my universe. There one person I would do anything for. The only thing that keeps me going, some days. And as long as he's awake, and in the same house as me, he has to be with me. Constantly. Even to the point of talking through the door at me when I'm going to the bathroom. And it drives me crazy. But it's a burden I accepted and can't put down. Also not his fault. After the cunt walked out, and still disappears for months at a time after seeing him once or twice, he's terrified that I'm going to leave him too. Seriously, I wish she would do the world a favor and stop breathing.

Pile a shitty job, and a fuck load of debt onto everything, and yeah, it's pretty fucking overwhelming. I've already started craving the escape drugs gave me, or just leaving everything behind and running. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. There's no way it can end well. My dad will die. I will never love my girlfriend the way she deserves. The women I love will never love me back. And I will never be free of the responsibility I feel for my son.

I understand all too well, now. It would be so easy. And just being able to think that scares the living shit out of me

The End   
09:32pm 14/07/2015
mood: Vengeful

And so it ends. Not with a bang, or a whimper, but just a general miasma of ennui...

5 years of my life, 4 of them hanging on tooth and nail to something I should have let go long ago. I said it was for the good of the kids, that I didn't want them to go through the pain of their parents splitting up, until they were old enough to understand it. Lies. I was afraid. Afraid to lose my son. The only one that matters. I don't have the emotional attachment to anybody else to really care about them one way or another. Joys of being a sociopath. But Westley broke through all that. Literally, the day he was born, when I saw him drawn forth from her body, I felt a bond with him. I love him like I have never loved another living creature. Mostly because, until he came into my world, I had never known what love was. I knew affection, and possession, but not love. Not this all consuming emotion that I feel for him. I would tear the world down to protect him, and keep him with me. The depths I would plumb to keep him with me scare even me. I have contemplated murder, assault, contracting an outside professional. If I could get away with it, have no doubt that my problem would have been solved long ago.

But now, she's looking for an apartment. One bedroom. She thinks I don't know. Fool. Does she honestly think she can keep anything from me? Compared to her, I am God. Honestly, I never would have stayed with her if it wasn't for Wes. Good enough for a fuck or three, but as a partner? Never. She has no idea of the concept. She could never be a partner to anyone. Too self absorbed, too arrogant, too stupid to comprehend that the world does not revolve around her, or her cunt. Delusions of grandeur wrapped up in a mediocre package. But finally that egotism has struck in my favor. She can have her one bedroom place. Alex is safe at his grampa's place. Wes will be safe with me. And in the time available, I will build my case. She will get nothing from me. Gene and Nancy will get my monthly payment, so I know it will be put aside to help Alex with whatever he chooses to do with his life. Not to her, to be spent on alcohol, drugs, and frivolity. She can pay her own way. And no alimony. I am not entitled to pay spousal support to an adulteress. And while I can't prove the act itself, I have more than enough circumstantial evidence to sway any God fearing judge to my side. And that is all we have here. I will tear her down, and see that both children will be safe from her. She isn't fit to raise a pet (I feed them all, or they would starve to death), let alone children. I can't wait for her to be gone. To have my son with me, as it should be, without the stress of having that maniac around.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. May all the Lords hear my call, and aid me in this time of need and desire. I offer the sweet gift of her soul, her sanity, and her life, all mine to give, while she is bound to me, a proven oathbreaker.

Now it's time to finish this   
06:31pm 28/06/2011
mood: aggravated

Locked in silence
Trapped by fear
If I said the words
Would she even hear?
Or turn her head and smile?

For the spoken word
Only has power if heard
And acknowledged.
The silence burns
The lies are like knives.

I live in a dream
Sometimes nightmare
A web of deception
Stronger than the trust
I have for her.

Welp, here's to the new year...   
01:33am 31/12/2006
mood: happy

Since I'm too damn sick to bother celebrating it tomorrow ;) Strep throat sucks. But I don't need to drink. And if I tell myself that enough times, maybe I'll believe it.

So, what happened in the last year? Not a whole hell of a lot, but I accomplished a few things at least. Got my head on straight again, and I'm no longer wandering around in a fog of depression all the time. Found a good job that I'll be sticking with for a long time to come, by the looks of it. And realized finally what exactly I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I'm 33 years old, and I'm still not grown up ;) And hopefully, I never will grow up, if that means losing my sense of fun, and becoming a stodgy desk jockey, concerned only with making money for my retirement that I don't care about.

Made a few mistakes, resulting in some heavy losses, but strange as it sounds, it's all worked out for the best. Forced me to be somewhat responsible, and plan my move for the end of spring, when I'll actually have all my big bills paid off already. Gotta love losing everything, to put it all into perspective. If everything had gone according to plan, I'd be moving into my new place in a couple of days, Heather would be up here in a couple of weeks, and I'd still be just drifting through life. But, losing all the money (won't go into how, though), hitting rock bottom...it was just what I needed. Granted, I could have done without hitting the crack pipe again. Going through withdrawal for the second time doesn't make it any easier, except for the fact that I've done it once, so I knew I could do it again, if I just buckled down. But it actually gave me my focus back, helping some other people through the same thing, at the same time. Two other people now that have their life back, and are doing good. And I'm not stopping just because I don't have a piece of paper on the wall. I know a lot of people that only need some help quitting, and they can start to get things back on track. I also know a lot that are lost causes, that I don't think will ever be able to get back on their feet, but I can accept that. Doesn't mean I won't try to help them, though. I'm definitely going back to school in the next year, though. I want to do this for real. Most of my so-called "friends" think I'm crazy, but they don't have a clue as to how this makes me feel. I can help these people, at least the ones that want to help themselves. It all has to start with the desire to give it up, and then work from there. And seeing the two I helped, working at their new jobs, living in the place I helped them get...there's nothing like it. They've had some rough spots, and there will definitely be more, but I'll be there to help out where I can, even if it's only to drag them out for coffee all night, so we can just sit and talk it over. I've met some of the idiots that call themselves addiction counsellors in this city, and they should be shot. They have no concern in helping people, only making a fat paycheck for no work, because nobody expects them to have any luck in getting people off the drugs. I have more people coming to see me when I stop into the shelter than they do, just because I know exactly what they're going through, and I actually *listen*. I'm not throwing some textbook answers at them, and helping them place the blame on everyone but themselves. Yes, life can be hard, and in some cases it's easy to seek an escape in drugs, but ultimately, it all comes down to yourself. Do you want to make something of your life, or just piss it down the drain?

Anyways, enough rambling. Here's to the new year. To my friends, may it bring you all a new outlook on life, and the ability to shake off the bad, and embrace the good. Here's looking at you :)

Random scribblings...   
05:11am 22/12/2006
mood: thoughtful
On a piece of paper I've been carrying around...maybe I'll finish them off someday...

Everybody is the sum
of their desires.
Our hopes, our dreams,
we strive to achieve.
Without them, there's just
no point.
How can we live today,
if we can't see

The center cannot hold
Everything falls away.
Spinning into darkness.
Is this the final day?

Locked in silence
Trapped by fear
If I said the words
Would she even hear?
Or turn her head and smile?

Mistakes made
Hearts broken.
To save my own
Dishonesty saves the day.
01:32am 14/12/2006
mood: thoughtful
Well, been a lot going on lately...too much to go into, and I'm trying to avoid babbling to the (nearly) faceless public that may read this journal. Long story short, due to some things that have been going on in my life lately, I'm seriously considering going back to school. Bachelor of Health Sciences...addictions couselling. It's something I considered years ago, but never really followed up on. I think I just might go for it now though. I've been helping some people lately, and it's been working out fairly good. I just don't know if I could fit in with the establishment image of what a counsellor is though lol. Although I'd actually prefer working shelters, and detox centers with a higher percentage of younger people, as opposed to clinical settings, or family services. Gives a little more leeway, and it's more the type of people I can relate to, having gone through the same problem when I was younger.

Something to think about, I guess...
03:27am 06/12/2006
mood: bitchy
Since everyone and their damn dog is taking this thing, I thought I'd give it a shot...yup...bar stars and players of the world unite!!!

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01:22am 14/10/2006
mood: tired
Aaaaaaand, done! Damn, makes me glad I wasn't an insane poster, posting multiple times a day. Even using Semagic to delete the entries, it took well over 2 hours to get rid of all the old entries. LJ really needs to implement a mass-delete function for posts hehe Anyways, I'm beat, so I'm running off to bed.
07:13am 13/10/2006
mood: calm
Well, the time has come at last...

I'm burying the past, and starting over. Starting a new life, and getting rid of the old baggage. While I will miss them, I think it's a good idea to delete the journal. Not the journal itself, but all the old posts. No need to keep going over them time and time again, living in the past, and the "might have beens". A new life, a new love, and a clean start is what I'm shooting for. Moving back into the city in January, welcoming an old friend of 9 years into my home, and making it "our" home.

So, here's to clearing out the old, and ushering in the new.
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